If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
