I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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