Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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