well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So much Jack, so little girl.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
