Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
