I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
