U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
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Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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