Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Watching her eat just hurts me
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
