Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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