dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
