Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
