I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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