Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
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I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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