Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
