So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
