he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
