Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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