Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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