Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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