Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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