It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
