So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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