i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
