I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm at about main and main street
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
