nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
