It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
