You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
