I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
