I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
