it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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