I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
