After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
