Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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