i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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