New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
