I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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