If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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