you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
