I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
how drunk are you?
Several
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
