Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
