i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
