Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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