Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
