it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
