I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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