I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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