I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
