Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
