He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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