my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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