She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
