i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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