tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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