Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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