I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
